


stuck with you (there's no way in hell i'm letting you live there)

by vioverherewriting



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Go Easy On Me, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Mutual Crushes, Mutual Pining, but y'know im a sucker for love, i just cant help myself, idk how to properly tag shit on here yet gn to me and me only, im sorry its a friends with benefits fic, it's all happy endings in this house folks, its multi-chapter bc i can't help myself, just not year wise if that makes sense, not explicit tho not at all im god's child gn, oh there's a considerable amount of angst gn, so its coherent w the plot, so there's that too, so this is my first ao3 fic lads, thats the entire thing in a nutshell, the coronavirus actually got me writing about my otps in quarantine gn, they are 18/19 in 2020 so i changed the timeline up a bit, they're of freshmen uni age technically, this is a friends with benefits quarantine jiara fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:56:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24168463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vioverherewriting/pseuds/vioverherewriting
Summary: Where Kie can't bear the thought of JJ being quarantined with his dad in the Outer Banks, and JJ is thankful that Kie offered up the extra room she had in her apartment on the mainland. No uni classes and no work, just the two of them stuck in a two-bedroom apartment together for an undefined amount of time.
Relationships: JJ/Kiara (Outer Banks), JJ/Kie (OBX), Jiara (OBX), Jiara (Outer Banks)
Comments: 45
Kudos: 220





	1. philia i

**Author's Note:**

> hi hi hi,
> 
> ever since i listened to ariana grande's stuck with you i have been wanting to write a jiara quarantine fic for a while, i've just been trying to work out the premise, motivations and plots roughly. then yesterday i saw this specific picture of rudy circulating on tumblr (.... y'all know what i'm talking about i'm so-) and then the friends with benefits thing hit me like a truck. yeah so that's what this is gonna be - a happily ending quarantine friends with benefits jiara fic where they've been aged up to be in their first year of uni, and by them i mean kiara bc she's the only one in uni lol and that will all be explained obvi dw.
> 
> so it's hopefully a 10ish chapter fic, the first two chaps are introduction to my version of events and the third will start all the quarantine stuff. i hope u stick around :))
> 
> i listened to "i don't wanna watch the world end with someone else" by clinton kane for this entire thing lmao. maybe i'll do like a song per chap? idk!!
> 
> buckle up jiara hoes, we're all in for the ride.

Kie had known JJ for most of her life now. There was no doubt that she loved him. It was obvious, uncomplicated and natural. He was JJ; scraped knees and salty hair, an unwavering glint of mischief in his eyes, as unwavering as the certainty that his eyes were blue. Every good memory she has, he was in. They grew up together - every OBX sunrise and sunset, every prank and practical joke, on the pogue and in the chateau. She loved him like she loved John B. Like she loved Pope. The four of them had red strings tied to each other; their friendship was forgiving and irreplaceable, loving and unrelenting. Kie had always thanked the universe for it. 

And because she knew JJ and loved him, she knew to stop acknowledging it. Every week, JJ seemed to have a new scar or bruise, he seemed to wince at a different arm or leg stretching in normalcy. They all eventually realised it, it was the only thing that JJ wouldn’t talk about, the only thing that would distort the light air that always surrounded him. It started with John B asking the questions, then Pope, and finally Kie. Every time they tried bringing it up, his fists clenched and his expression hardened.

“I told y’all it’s nothing alright. Just leave it the fuck alone.”

After a few years, they understood. They resorted to ensuring that he had everything he needed to cope; a friend to talk to any time of day, fishing or surfing as distractions, first aid kits in the chateau and on the boat, sometimes just a drink. They got into the system of always checking up on him, especially when his voice was tired and his eyes were puffy from the lack of sleep. 

Even though they promised themselves to make sure that he felt seen and loved, Kie always thought that they should’ve been doing more. She wanted, more than anything, for her best friend to grow up in a home that supported and loved him. A house scented with oak and jasmine instead of tobacco; pizza grease and football instead of a musty kitchen and vodka on the breath of the only parent he had. On the days where she could see purple etched into JJ’s skin when he was tying to anchor the boat, she just wanted to scream. Scream at his dad for being a shit human being, scream at JJ for being stupidly stubborn, scream at herself because she felt helpless - because she had to watch her best friend fight something she knew would eventually tear him down.

On those days she didn’t care about the infuriating remarks he made when he was half drunk on beer. She didn’t care about the way John B and Pope looked at her when she got onto the hammock and moved closer to JJ, leaning into the crook of his neck to show him the funniest memes she’d seen on Reddit the night before. She just wanted to him to know that she was there, and that if he ever needed anything, she was ready to listen.

And even though that conversation never came, Kie, with hollow disappointment in her chest, had come to accept the small smiles that played on JJ’s lips in knowing appreciation.


	2. storgē i

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!!
> 
> before i talk about anything else, the following chapter addresses JJ's abuse so if that's something that's triggering for you, please skip it. just wanted to make sure that was put out there!!
> 
> i already posted about it on tumblr but the response on the fic has been so incredible it rlly does mean the world u guys!! so thank u sm 4 that, i hope y'all keep reading :)
> 
> my plan for the second chap got too long to put into one chap imo, so technically, this is like chap 2 part 1 and the next will be chap 2 part 2 - hopefully i'll encapsulate the essence of this time frame the way i want too. 
> 
> idk how this turned out, some of it im rlly proud of, other things not so much. i hope y'all still like it tho :))
> 
> so this is now a 11 chap fic (for now?) xx
> 
> happy reading!!

It was as if someone had cut into her and taken everything she had; Kie had been crying for days. She hadn’t slept, she hadn’t showered, hell, she hadn’t even gotten out of bed. Her heart felt like it had been ripped out of her chest, her head hadn’t stopped weighing the weight of the world. Kie hadn’t spoken to anyone after that night. The last thing she really remembered saying were paper-thin words of lost comfort, clinging to JJ and Pope, hoping the sheriffs were wrong - that dawn would bring them John B and Sarah, with soft smiles and reassurances of having had an adventure. 

Instead, she heard murmurs after a phone call the morning after. She remembered her parents’ footsteps closing in on her, remembered hearing the knob of her door turn, remembered the door creaking when it was pushed ajar. She didn’t even have to see her parents’ faces to know that they were gone. As hard as she could, Kie tried not to flinch when they recounted the sheriffs' theories: that John B and Sarah must have fallen unconscious at the sheer force of the boat flipping, that they couldn’t have fought for their own lives, for their own wills to breathe. Her dad’s monotone, convicting them of guilt and teenage naivety, contradicted the soft voice he was trying to use to be empathetic of Kie. 

**Dead.**  
Dead. _Dead._ Dead.

Hearing that felt like metal on her tongue. **_Dead_**.

Rage coursed through her. Sixteen hours of staring at the neon stars on her ceiling, she couldn’t believe what had become of the town she’d grown up in. They talked about her friends - her best friends, like they’d been criminals, like they were the scum of the earth. She felt numb; didn’t know how to feel, what to say. She settled on not responding to them. With all the strength she could muster, she just turned away from her parents and cried. 

Kie could only think of it as spinning into and out of reality on a dangerously fast carousel. Since that morning, she was blinded by grief; living one long day that hadn’t yet ended.

* * *

As the weeks carried on, Sarah got a memorial service that Kie didn’t go to. The thought of attending a funeral hosted by the person that put her in her grave nauseated her. She was mostly thankful her parents didn’t even bother trying to change her mind. In John B’s case, the town split in two. Figure 8 thought that a sheriff murderer didn’t deserve a memorial service, and the Cut had a boat-side vigil set up for him by the pier. No one on that side of the town seemed to believe that John B, who’s largest crime till then had been pouring a gallon of slushy mix into Heyward’s empty boat petrol cases, could’ve become a sixteen year old murderer over-night. Kie found all of this so strange, everyone had an opinion about who John B and Sarah were. Suddenly, the entire town cared.

Ironically, Kie, Pope and JJ - the only people who really knew and loved John B and Sarah, had been quiet for weeks now. The three of them hadn’t seen each other, hadn’t been outside, hadn’t talked. Unsurprisingly, her friends were all Kie thought about. She couldn’t help but look back to the first night they raided the gold well: John B's mud-covered body drooping muck onto the back of the front seat and everyone high on the euphoria of a sorted life. The memories seemed to cascade, she remembered the way Sarah smiled at her when they made up on the boat, the way John B had clung to the fabric of her shirt when he cried about his father. With all of it, Kie didn’t understand how she was going to live without ever seeing them again. _God, they were so real._ They were still so tangible to her… so alive. It sometimes perplexed her that they could just be gone.

Other times, their deaths hit her so hard that she fell to the floor sobbing. Her heart raced at the thought of never seeing Sarah giggle at Pope trying to do a handstand or John B not doing their secret handshake ever again. She couldn’t breathe thinking about it. When that happened, her mom would find her in the corner of her bedroom, unable to get up, unable to think about anything other than the fact that she had lost a part of herself, a part of her family. 

“Shhh, Shhh, oh babygirl. Shhh, I’ve got you. I got you.” Her mom repeated it like a mantra, she hugged Kie as tightly as she could, “You’re gonna be okay honey. I know it doesn’t feel like it now… But you’re gonna get through this. It’s gonna be okay…. I love you… it’s gonna get better Kie. I promise you, it gets better.” The first time her mom said it, those words felt empty to Kie - she was too overwhelmed by the hole in her chest to believe it. 

But from then, every time she inevitably broke down with a pain she was unable to control, her mom let her cry just like the first time. Every time, her soft voice comforted Kie with those same words; that she was going to be okay, that she was strong enough to process all the grief she felt, that it was healthy to mourn. Her arms never failed to wrap around Kie re-assuringly. With every breakdown, her mom’s loving words seemed to be enough for her to start hoping for a glimpse of peace: for a day when her wounds wouldn’t be as raw as they were right then. 

In the same way, as time went on, Pope, JJ and Kie started meeting up at the chateau again. The first afternoon they did, they sat on the pogue and watched the sunset. They toasted to John B and Sarah with some stolen whiskey from her dad's cabinet and cried for the part of their family they’d lost. For the first time in what felt like forever, a part of the heavy weights that rested on the three of their chests lifted. 

And so, while JJ cleaned and anchored the pogue, Pope and Kie talked about the kiss. In an almost unnaturally mature way, they decided that they needed to be friends more than anything else for right then; that whatever unexplored arc of their possible relationship could wait. Maybe it was because they were forced to remind themselves that they were the ones with time left, or that there really was no reason to rush, whatever it was, they eased back into their friendship. It surprised Kie, as they waited by the chateau for JJ, how far her and Pope seemed to be from the short-tempered and impulsive people they were just a few weeks ago.

When JJ returned, they spent the rest of the night recalling all the memories they were able to have with Sarah and John B. And from then on, they met up at that chateau as often as they could and talked about them. Pope, Kie and JJ realised that it was their way of keeping Sarah and John B alive, making sure it felt as close to as if they were actually with them.

“God, remember that time he jumped from the roof of the chateaux for that stupid bet?”

They had set up the hammocks on two relatively tall tree stumps again; Kie was next to Pope, JJ resting opposite them in between the two. She could feel the hammock creak when he hoisted himself up defensively, “That was not a stupid bet because I was right! There was no way he could backflip off the roof and land right, he was a total dumbass to think he could… it was honestly the best 20 bucks I ever won outta him!”

They all chuckled. It felt good to remember John B, to cherish the pogues. Kie was getting comfortable with not being sad all the time - she reminded herself that mourning was also reminiscing. The three of them realised that processing how hard it was to cope was easier when they were doing it together; all the anger, regret and bitterness - really every negative thing Kie felt, was usually something they all felt. The more they talked, the more she started to feel like her old self. And with everything that had happened, Kie was just all the more incredibly thankful for Pope and JJ - she really didn’t know what she would’ve done without them. 

They fell into a comfortable silence, taking in the way the star-lit sky hung above them. The expanse of the sky and the gentle breeze that surrounded them added to making the chateau feel all the more like one of the safest places they had. It was the most serenity the three of them had felt in a long time.

“So what’s everyone doing tomorrow?”

“I have to go home and pick up my stuff. I think it’s time.” JJ spoke up.

Pope and Kie responded almost instantaneously, “No you don’t.”

Heyward had taken JJ in since the night of the storm, and since then, Kie felt actual gratitude towards Pope’s over-bearing dad, something she’d never even considered a possibility before it happened. She didn't even want to think about how JJ's dad would react to his boat being at the bottom of the ocean because of JJ. Even entertaining the idea made her heart race uneasily.

“I have to face him sooner or later. Chances are he’ll be knocked out from pills, or vodka… or both.” He chuckled at that, ignoring the growing concern on both Kie and Pope’s faces. “I just need to go in and get some pictures and clothes and stuff. It’ll be an in and out thing, don’t worry about it.”

They looked at each other unsurely, all Pope and Kie could do was worry.

He tried to reason with JJ, “Look man you don’t have to prove-”

“I’m not trying to prove anything damnit! All the pictures I have with my mom are in there. So is my favourite shirt. I’m going in there and getting my shit. It’s my house too.” His tone was unsettling and most definitely passive aggressive.

Pope and Kie knew better than to argue. JJ was too stubborn for him to back down from what he thought to be a fight, especially if it could get him seriously hurt. Before Kie could even try to talk to him, he looked at her knowingly - he had made up his mind. All things considered, she genuinely couldn’t comprehend the motivation JJ had to be such a fucking idiot sometimes. Even though the anger that returned to her when he pulled shit like this was comfortingly familiar, she knew that this wasn’t some sort of power-play between him and his dad, it was simple: he was being abused.

_He was a fucking victim._

It was straightforward and unfair and so fucking painful. God, she just wanted him to take a step back and consider the consequences of his actions for once. None of them had fought since the day of the storm, but Kie had a feeling that was soon going to change. Against her better judgement, she said what she said.

“JJ, you don’t know what’s good for you sometimes, y’know that?” She could hear the roughness in her voice, it oddly contradicted JJ’s face contorting into confusion, “you act like a self-destructive asshole and it’s hurting us as much as its hurting you. Think about that the next time you decide to be this fucking reckless. You’re walking into a fight you’ve been losing for ages and I’m not going to sit here and lose another person I care about just because you choose to be stubborn.” 

Kie didn’t wait to hear JJ’s response as she left to her car, she was done waiting around for his death sentence to complete itself, she was done regretting all the times she put up with him in pain without saying a word about it. She had already lost two friends, she wasn’t going to sit around and lose another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah so the reason i split the chap was because i wanted to make sure i navigated through kiara's grief fairly well, i knew i wanted to incorporate it into the story and i really didn't wanna rush it to get to the jiara plotline. i promise if u stick by the fic you'll get that sweet sweet jiara shit lmao (it's just gonna take a little longer). i just wanna make sure i'm writing her well and the story and characters are done justice if that makes sense :)) also, and i think this is pretty obvious, JJ's abuse is going to be interwoven into this entire fic (bc its interwoven into his personality, actions and motivations as a character), that's why i'm taking my time and doing all the expositions hehe hope yall enjoy it none the less!
> 
> on the other hand, the way this chap ends seems like a chap ending sentence if u know what i mean? it was a sentence i liked so i just decided to go with dividing it up... now im probs just rambling lol. 
> 
> as always, im @theouterbankpogues on tumblr, so come find me and we can cry/laugh/fangirl!!
> 
> thank u sm for reading and i'll hopefully see you in the next one!! stay safe and take care my bros <3


	3. storgē ii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hellooooooooo!
> 
> so sorry for going kind of AWOL for a bit. as a gift i have almost 6.5k words for you all to enjoy - the jiara content u signed up is here my dudes. i hope y'all love this chap - it was a bitch to write but im mostly happy with it :))))
> 
> just wanna take a sec and acknowledge that some of y'all are rlly going through it with what's going on in the world rn. the injustice in our legal systems and the way our societies have been built are so horrendous it makes me sick. i just dont want it to feel like this chap coming now is a tone-deaf move, it helped me process some of the grief i'm feeling and just get away for a bit. i hope that if you're feeling a little overwhelmed rn, this can do the same for you. take care of yourselves, justice will prevail in the end - we just have to fight for it. 
> 
> as always, the response on the past two chaps have been so phenomenal gn, i struggle to comprehend that this many people have even clicked on the fic. absolutely so unreal. thank u guys sm for all the love.
> 
> happy reading kids :))

As Kie laid on her bed an hour later, her stomach felt like stone. Thinking through everything, she did regret the tone she had used. If she were to be honest, Kie just wished that JJ would understand that it was coming from a place of love. _God, she hoped for it._ With him, it was always hard to know which way the coin would toss - whether it would stop JJ or secure him in his recklessness. As tiredness crept into her body and her eyelids grew heavier, she really hoped it was the former. 

The next morning, she woke up to a phone call from Pope telling her that the grids were finally working again. As she was reminded of her previous day, Kie started to feel as horrible as she did the night before. 

“Morning Pope.”

“Morning Kie.”

Pope’s voice wasn’t as groggy as her’s, she could hear the birds and boat motors behind him.

“You working?”

“Got to make a living Kie, need to go to college, need to get outta here,” She could tell he hated how desperate that sounded. He paused before continuing, “Besides, it’s a good distraction… keeps the signal clear.” 

“I get it.”

Before she could even get to mentioning JJ, Pope caught on, “He was really quiet after you left, and that’s really weird for JJ, he’s never quiet y’know? We got home, he showered and went to bed, didn’t say a single word. I don’t even know how he felt really, he kinda made it clear that he wanted some space. Felt like he had a lot on his mind… obviously.”

Kie could only hum a disappointed affirmation.

“He had left by the time I got up this morning.”

_Damn it._

“Fuck.” That earned a disgruntled “Yeah” from Pope. 

“Sometimes he doesn’t know what’s good for him… There’s only so much we can do Kie, I tried talking to him-” his tone told her that he was just as worried as she was. He tiredly sighed before adding, “This isn’t your fault, we both know you’re right but no one can change JJ’s mind.” 

For some reason, Pope saying that struck a chord. It was as though, unknowingly, Kie thought that she actually had the ability to change JJ’s mind - that she was someone special to him, someone who’s opinion he valued above everyone else’s. She kind of had the urge to laugh at herself, Kie had no idea why she had any reason to think that way.

“Yeah I know. But he has to be careful Pope, I don’t want his luck to run out. We’re still kids, we can’t do much, I just wanna make sure we all get out when we can y’know? The last time we tried to act all larger than thou we got way more than we bargained for.”

She heard the static of his phone shuffling, he seemed to nod in response. 

The three of them had a mutual understanding as to how much they wanted to leave the Outer Banks. Since John B and Sarah, the town they’d grown up in - the only place they had ever called home, had become peculiarly foreign to them. Any ideas they had about leaving to the mainland and beyond had been magnified after the night of the storm. Something about the town made them feel as though they were running out of time, out of air, out of… something.

“Let’s just hope he’s okay Kie, he’ll eventually turn up at home. I’ll text you as soon as he does.”

She had to face it, JJ was a fully grown person and she couldn’t stop him. Though the helplessness rested heavily on her, she resigned to acceptance. 

“Thank you. See ya later.”

“Bye.”

For the rest of the day, she heard nothing from Pope. She tried to keep herself busy and find things to do - she logged into her high school’s online portal, made a list of things she needed to buy for the fall semester, and even started reading up on colleges - anything to keep her mind off of how the notifications on her phone were empty of both Pope and JJ. Unwaveringly however, as the day progressed, Kie’s worry made itself increasingly prominent, almost like a dull headache that refused to subside. 

And finally, as the Outer Banks sunset cast a golden glow on her room and made the neon stars on her ceiling look as though they were coming alive, she found herself opening up JJ’s contact on her phone to text him. 

_“i’m sorry i snapped at u yesterday, call me as soon as u get this - cell towers are working again, hope you’re not being an idiot rn”_

For the next twenty minutes, she felt like time was moving extremely slowly. And impatiently, when she could no longer stand the way her fingers manically tapped the screen of her phone, she began pacing her room with some headphones on.

_God, why did JJ have to be like this? Why did he have to be this careless?_

As she waited for him to respond, Kie tried to pushed away the small voice in her head asking some, in her opinion, very irrelevant questions. They seemed to echo unforgivingly - why _did_ she care so much? Why was there such an overwhelming urge for her to be this protective of him? If this were John B and Pope, would she react the same way?

 _Of course she would!_ She thought. She just wasn’t willing to grieve another dead best friend. 

_God, this was so fucking stupid. Even thinking about this is so fucking stupid, oh my god._

Kie couldn’t be bothered with it all. She knew herself. She wasn’t playing favourites because her love for her friends wasn’t some relative concept, Kie loved them all fully, unconditionally and equally. Slightly reassured, she forced herself to take a deep breath and listen to the words she was being serenaded with.

_“In my darkness I remember, Momma's words reoccur to me,”_

She couldn’t help but hum along, this was one of her most favourite songs. 

_“Surrender to the good Lord, and he'll wipe your slate clean,”_

Sometimes she wondered how everything was seemed so eternal with instrumentation, she loved how powerful it could be. 

_“Take me to your river, I wanna go.”_

As the chorus finished, her heart wasn’t beating as loud as it was before. And just as she was about to change the song that was playing, she saw JJ’s name pop up on her phone. _Oh thank god._ She couldn’t have picked up it up fast enough. She took another deep breath and reminded herself that she wasn’t going to get mad at him, Kie just wanted to hear that he was okay. 

When she put the phone to her ear, she thought that she had made a mistake. If it wasn’t for the certainty of knowing she had slid the ‘answer’ dial on her phone, she would’ve been tempted to check whether she actually did. All she really heard was some slow shuffling and irregular breathing.

“JJ?” There was a soft grunt on the other side. “JJ, hey? JJ, you okay?”

“K-Kie?”

Her heart sank almost immediately, something was very wrong. His voice was unsteady and weak.

“Hey JJ… Hey… I’m here JJ, I’m here… What do you need?” Her voice was as soft as she could make it, she was trying to make sure that the worry wasn’t seeping into her tone. She needed JJ to depend on her right now - she wasn’t going to screw this up. 

“Umm- I-I’m at Rixon’s Cove right now-” Kie could tell that he was trying to shift to a more upright position so that he could get his voice to sound a little more consistent. There was another muted shuffle and a string of curses as he tried to adjust himself without, she figured, yelling or crying in pain. 

“Do you, umm-fu-, do y-you think…um, do ya think… you could give me a ride back to Pope’s? He-um- he isn’t picking up, I-I think his dad took his phone again.” 

This time, she knew that some of the worst had happened. She knew, from the way JJ was speaking - in clipped, concise phrases - that his dad had not been asleep when JJ returned home to collect his things. She knew that he was probably now slumped on a log at Rixon’s Cove, finding it hard to breathe. Brick-like stiffness settled onto her limbs at the realisation. Kie felt like it was the morning after the storm all over again - it was as though her parents had walked into her room once more, like she was being confirmed of another loss. 

She tried to talk herself down. _He was alive._ She repeated it over and over again. 

_He was alive._

_He was alive._

_He was alive._

_**He is alive.** _

As Kie regained a semblance of stability, she replied as confidently as she could. “I’ll be there in ten.”

JJ’s attempted chuckle only came out as a quietly strangled groan, “Atta girl.” 

* * *

The next seven minutes would’ve made Kie’s dad regret ever teaching her to drive. She sped through the deserted roads and took all the shortcuts the Pogues had discovered for getting away with their shenanigans. Even though she was driving as fast as she could, the closer she got to JJ, the more she felt like she was being suffocated. Even though she could feel the adrenaline being pumped through her body loudly and corrosively, Kie’s entire body seemed to scream for her to go back to the comfort of her bed. It was like she knew she wasn’t ready for what she was about to encounter.

As she got out of the car by the footpath that led to the cove, the stars seemed to sit still in the sky. Kie had never noticed how eerily quiet the forest was at night. It felt strange… wrong. That’s when it dawned on her that she had never gone to Rixon’s Cove alone. Every time she had walked that footpath, John B had been cracking a joke, or Pope had been recounting another conspiracy theory he'd read up on, or JJ had tried to balance an oreo on his nose while they all laughed. Suddenly, the loss of everything she had with her friends seemed to be oddly and rigidly prominent. Two friends gone and another one broken. 

_Fuck. None of this was fair._

By the time she made it to the clearing, she was thankful for the anger she had felt through her walk. She couldn’t have gotten there faster. With no fire at the centre of the logs they usually sat on, Kie tried to adjust to the natural starlight as she calmed herself down and searched for JJ. 

“JJ?”

There was a slight grunt, similar to the one on the phone, that came from her right. 

When Kie identified a JJ-sized lump next to a log further away from her, she knew that her instincts had been correct. She wasn’t ready to experience this. Her legs quickened their pace as she braved herself. Within a few seconds, she was kneeling beside what she could only describe as a very disfigured JJ.

“JJ What the fuck?” She instinctually supported his head because he could barely lift it to respond, “Hey… h-hey Kie!” The rage that burned inside her towards Luke Maybank made her want to throw-up, how was he even allowed to be a parent? From what she could make out, JJ had a badly swollen eye and a very bruised body. “I-I just fell off the-”

“Okay okay JJ?” She couldn’t help but move her hands to his neck so that she was looking right at him. “Let’s cut the fucking bullshit okay? This can all wait, we have to get you to a hospital.”

As she started to adjust herself to help him sit upright, he spoke up in protest, “No hospitals!” Kie was surprised at how assertive it was; well, as surprised as she could be before he recoiled in pain due to the exertion. 

“JJ I don’t think you get the executive fucking decision on where we’re going right now. I’m taking you to a hospital.”

And right then, even thought there wasn’t a lot of light, she noticed the way his hair was matted to his forehead with sweat and the way his shirt was blood-spattered and dirt-wrangled. She could see the wrinkles beside his eyes taking its permanent place as he struggled to writhe in pain, how his face was barely recognisable. Kie had never seen JJ this way, and she could no longer blame him for not wanting her to. For as long as she had known him, nothing could’ve made JJ look weak or defeated; she hadn’t even thought it was possible for him to look feeble until right that moment. As he was trying his best to look up at her, desperation etched onto his face and the moonlight kindly softening the harshly imprinted scars on him, she swore she had never seen him look this frail in her life. 

_And God, she absolutely fucking hated it._

“Mom… um, mom… she died there. I-I…. I hate the hospital Kie… please… no h-hospitals.”

The helplessness JJ said that with was so staggering it made her head ache. She could barely fight back the tears. _Fucking hell._

“Okay.. o-okay JJ? JJ!” He was fading into and out of consciousness, she knew she had to figure out a way to get him back to the car. After the five minutes it took her to coax him back to reality, she assured him as best she could, “Hey… hey.. no hospitals, got it.”

“Promise?”

“I Promise.” A sigh of relief escaped him. She wore JJ’s backpack as she talked to him, “Okay, JJ I’m gonna count to three and I’m gonna help you up okay? We gotta get to my car, JJ you got that?”

He took another laboured breath before responding. “Got it.”

So on the count of three, JJ seemed to put all the effort he had into holding as much of his own weight as he possibly could. The reflex at which he did so was another way Kie recognised how normal this was for him - how regularly he was subjected to being in clearings bloody and bruised. It made her stomach tie into knots.

* * *

The walk back to the car was gruelling. As JJ passed out from the pain almost every minute, Kie’s heart subjected her to an oncoming panic attack. Her pace fastened, sweat accumulated on her brow and her arms grew weaker and heavier. She struggled to keep a clear head because every time it happened, it felt like she was losing another friend for good all over again. As they continued to make their way, it also surprised her how quickly JJ caught onto how overwhelmed she was feeling. 

“K-Kie, hey… hey,” Kie was so deafened by her determination to get back to her car that it took her a few seconds to process that JJ was even speaking to her. When she stopped walking and felt her legs give out at the weight of her and JJ, she helped him lean against a tree. After a few staggered breaths, he did something he had never done before, he held her hand. It surprised Kie enough that her eyes looked up at his in confusion. He gave her a small and knowing smile - one of the smiles he reserved only for her, one of gratitude and of acknowledgment. She pretended as though her stomach wasn't filled with creepy crawlies. She swore she could’ve imagined his tired whisper if her hand wasn’t laced in his, “I-I’m going to be okay Kie," he said as he stared right at her, "I’ve dealt with worse.” 

And as encouraging as JJ wanted it to sound, Kie knew that that wasn’t true.

* * *

As soon as Kie got JJ into the front seat of her car, she reached for the first aid kit that her dad always had stored away for emergencies. She sent a quick text telling Pope that she had JJ and he had nothing to worry about, that she’d call as soon as she could. Kie then dialled her mom as she pulled the ibuprofen out of the kit. Aided by being a mostly-good kid, the dead best friends card and the most delicate tone she had, it took about three minutes to convince Kie’s mom to let JJ stay with her and convince her dad into being okay with it on her behalf. She snapped the tablet open from its casing, grabbed her water and gently shook JJ awake. 

“You givin’ me drugs Carerra?” The chuckle that came out of Kie relaxed some of the tension in her shoulders. “Why don’t you shut up and take the damn pill Maybank.” She didn’t have to ask him twice.

* * *

The drive back home was the most at ease Kie had felt all evening. With JJ peacefully asleep next to her and the quiet lull of her favourite songs playing on the radio, Kie felt her ribs had relaxing around her chest. The halt of Kie’s revving engine woke JJ up, she was glad to see that he looked a bit better. 

“I thought you were taking me back to Pope’s.” He said, registering the driveway of her house in confusion. 

“My house was closer. And plus, I already asked my parents and you can stay with me tonight. You can go back to Pope’s after a good night’s sleep. We both know my bed’s comfier that your sleeping bag.” 

Since the phone call, there wasn’t a second's debate as to where he was going to stay the night, she just hoped that JJ couldn’t tell. She wasn’t really willing to dignify him with the desperation she had to have him stay with her.

“You didn’t have to do that.” Something in his tone told Kie that he felt guilty, like he thought he was some sort of trouble she had to bear. She looked right at him, _this_ was something she could dignify him with, “I want to J.”

Being vague with Kie’s parents was hard. Considering JJ’s inability to stand on his own and the jarring scars on his skin under the yellow light of her home, they really had to ensure the boat accident story held up. Even with the state that he was in, how fast JJ caught on to it made her grateful that they’d known each other for as long as they had. If it weren’t for how badly he was hurt, she was sure her parents would’ve called a family meeting to interrogate them. Instead, they were soon allowed to walk up to her room.

She helped JJ onto her bed. He sat upright against the headboard with some pillows separating him from it, his legs laid out in front him and his boots, removed with Kie’s help, placed next to him on the floor. When she saw that her mom had already placed some leftover pizza and the first aid kit on her vanity, she couldn’t help but sit down in exhaustion. 

She rested opposite JJ with her legs crossed in comfortable silence. They were taking the day in - processing it, evaluating it, coming to terms with it. The last few hours had felt like three days. Looking at him now, the mischievous glint that was missing from his eyes had returned to them. It made the air weightless and eased the stress. Kie couldn’t help but become aware of how vital it was for that glint to be there - to make JJ look like JJ, like _her_ JJ, the person Kie knew and loved. It also occurred to Kie just how much she adored it (but she was just going to ignore that). If Kie were being honest, all of that also came with the twinge of disappointment that she didn’t _really_ know him. That there was a JJ without that glint - that she knew nothing about that part of who he was, that not fully knowing him removed her from fully being there for him. All of it crashed into Kie, good and bad, comforting and destructive - it threatened the knots to re-form in her stomach; it was as if she was always three seconds away from feeling sick. 

As the silence drew on, she tried not to be selfish - tried not to get mad. But Kie realised that she _was_ mad. The dust had settled, he was alive, and she had the liberty to be as goddamn furious as she liked. As JJ sat in front of her, eyes now closed, head slumped on the bed-frame and his breathing forced but regular, she felt it burning a hole in her chest. He was her best friend, one of her only friends, a part of her fucking family - that meant something to her. She’d always thought that it had meant something to him. _Why couldn’t he come to her? Why couldn’t he open his god forsaken mouth and say something, anything, to let her be there for her? Why the fuck couldn’t he spare her that curtesy? Was she not worth being let in?_ Kie wanted to know what she had done wrong to be on the outside of everything. She was tired of understanding, and she was tired of keeping the peace. 

“Say it.” JJ held a part of his lower abdomen as he spoke, it cut through the quiet distinctly. She was now also mad at the fact that he could read her without even opening his eyes. 

“I fucking told you so.” The aggression in her tone solidified the argument they were going to have. This was something she had avoided for years and she knew that tonight was where it was all going to unravel. She also knew that fighting with a bloodied and bruised JJ was one of her weaker decisions, but she was finding it difficult to care. 

“Kie-”

“You think it’s fun for me to see you like this? You think its fun for me finding you half-dead JJ? You think that all these years of bruises and wincing and watching you be in pain is a fucking joy ride? JJ wake the fuck up. You are beat to a pulp and you are still trying to act as if nothing is happening to you! You called me and told me to take you back to Pope’s JJ. That’s what you fucking opened with. You said that you needed to picked up and dropped to your friend’s house and failed to mention the fact that you’re seriously hurt! JJ you were beaten to a fucking pulp, you can barely walk! You refuse our help, you refuse to let us in and you refuse to depend on anyone. And you know what I think JJ?” 

Her ears were ringing and her breaths were harsh and loud, they mirrored the way she spoke right at him. He was avoiding her eyes but she knew he could hear every word, it added to the space between them - a whirlwind of dialogue that JJ couldn’t escape, things that he had no choice but to process. 

“I think it’s going to get you killed.” The weight of what felt like a bus had already settled on her chest, her voice cracking on her last word. The next thing JJ said shattered her world.

“Well then it’s going to get me killed.”

He refused to look at her. She assumed that this what it felt like to feel numb - void of feeling, of thinking, of talking. If it weren’t for the readily growing flame in her chest, she would’ve backed down and not said anything - she would’ve let the bile rise to her throat and succumbed to just crying next to him, she would’ve walked to her bathroom and thrown up. But today was different. Today, Kie was fucking infuriated.

“Y’know what JJ? You’re a fucking asshole and I can not believe you just threw that in my-”

“Bullshit!” JJ was looking at her now, the mist in his eyes gone. She could tell that the painkillers were aiding him in carrying his conversation. 

“Kie I can say whatever the fuck I want. You want me to be honest? You want me to let you in? Well this is me Kie. This is me! I’m so fucking sorry that it’s not what you expected okay? I’m sorry that I’m not some baby turtle that you fucking fix I’m no-”

“Fuck you! That’s not fair and you know it. You think I want to fix you JJ? Fuck no! I want to be there for you, I’ve just always wanted to be there for you. I thought you fucking trusted me! I thought that we’re pogues for life,” Her hands quipping into air quotes, “that we depended on each other, cared for one and other! But all you fucking do is deny, deny deny. You deny that you get beat up by your dad when I ask you, you deny that you need help dealing with it, and you deny us helping and-”

They were both seeing red, their faces hot and hearts pounding in their ears. As much as they didn’t like to admit it, they were both just so tired. JJ was tired of feeling helpless and Kie was tired of being iced out. Ironically, it pumped courage into their veins.

“Kie do you hear yourself right now? We’re not even the fucking pogues anymore. Two of us are dead Kie! Sarah and John B are gone!” Tears made their way down JJ’s cheeks as he paused, “They’re dead.”

And there it was. Kie suddenly understood. She couldn’t recall when she got up from next to JJ as she stopped mid-pace, but the yelling had ceased. Kie took a second to gather herself and swallow her pride. She returned to where she had been sitting.

Her quiet voice suddenly felt strange, “They are dead.” It was the first time she had said it out loud, really accepted it. It felt peculiar on her tongue, lead-like, but comforting? She didn’t know.

“I didn’t have to tell him anything. Words are hard for me.” JJ was fighting the sob trying to escape, “Um- the first time I went to him, he took me in and gave me some band aids, Hot Wheel themed ones because he knew I loved them so much…” They chuckled at that, it was a very John B thing to do, “He told his dad some bullshit story but he made sure I could come over, anytime and with any, um, with any excuse.” She took it in, it had been a while since he opened up. He paused; it was as though he was articulating the words he was about to say as best he could. “I knew he wouldn’t be asleep. I knew that he would be so fucking pissed that I let that god damned boat sink. I wanted to go anyway, I wanted-um, I wanted to-”

She knew he didn’t need a lecture - he knew he was being self destructive, he knew that he was trying to get rid of the numbing pain he felt all the time. It was familiar, and it was hard. She also registered that he wasn’t ready to talk about what his dad was doing to him just yet, her throat dried up and she fought back the tears, but she knew that that was a conversation for another time. He was grieving and she wasn’t going to make this a quest for the answers she wanted to get.

“It was my fault Kie. The boat shut down and they couldn’t get away and it was my-”

“No it wasn’t. JJ, God… JJ, this was not your fault.” She looked directly into his eyes as she spoke, taking his hand in her’s. She had to make him believe it, that he was just like her - only a victim of their deaths. “You love them, you helped them, and you did everything you fucking could… we did everything we could.”

His head returned to its place on the bed-frame and he steadied his breathing, she let him convince himself of it. She watched him as he recalled the words, breathed them, digested them, understood them. They were all grieving and they were all new to it, they just had to find their ways to cope. 

Not long after, she began to sterilise the wounds on his face. The first aid kit rested on her lap as she cleared the dried blood that had trickled down the side of his face. She continued to make her way through his cut lip and nose, his split eyebrow, his bloody knuckles and finally, sponged his black eye with some ice water. Through all of it, she noted how hyperaware she was of all the contact she had with him. She felt the grazing of her thigh against his, how intently he looked at the way she dabbed the wounds on his face, the way her hand felt against his cheek when she adjusted his face to clean blood wedged in his hair, how her fingers felt his chapped lips for a second longer than she would’ve liked. With all of it, she chose not to delve into it - they were both tired, overworked and sensitive, whatever she was feeling right now was temporary.

“There are some sponges in the bath for you, I’ll help with the other bruises once you’ve freshened up.” A knowing smirk played on his lips, Kie caught on before he could even utter a word.

“You better not say anything about me joining you because I swear I won’t hesitate to give you another black eye.” His laugh sent ripples of contentment through Kie. 

* * *

Two showers, a conversation with a very worried Pope and some cold pizza later, Kie was humming along to a Sam Cook vinyl as she worked her way through JJ’s bruises. Kie’s hair sat in a low-bun, beads of water still present on her forehead from her shower. She had changed into some pyjamas and was currently sitting opposite JJ, face a little flushed and eyes narrowed in concentration. She could feel his eyes on her as her fingers rhythmically moved from bruise to bruise - identifying, sterilising and treating. She was trying to be as mechanical as she could be, trying to get past the somersaults (that she swore she didn’t have) her stomach were doing at the sight of a shirtless JJ in her dark grey sweatpants. She also ignored the way her heart raced when she looked up to see him staring back with a look on his face she couldn’t decipher.

“What?” Kie didn’t know how else to stop the way her body seemed to be on fire at the way he was surveying her. 

“Nothing.” She knew he was holding back.

“Seriously JJ, just say it. I doubt it’s going to be much worse than the way we just yelled at each other.” The hope they he would open up to her about what he’s been through rose to her throat again. 

“I just… um- thank you.” The genuine gratitude in the way he said it relieved some of the disappointment she had. Kie could tell that most of what he wanted to say died in his throat with the way his eyes moved away from her nervously. She knew that he wanted to say more - “Thank you for taking me in.”, “Thank you for not pressing anymore.”, “Thank you for giving me a ride.”, “Thank you for everything.” But he settled on stopping with what he had already said. It seemed to be enough that they both knew she understood.

“That’s why I’m here.” 

JJ seemed to breathe that in as the two of them returned to the comfort of Sam Cook’s voice filling her room. As she finished up on his wounds, she couldn’t help but smile at the way he eased into sleep. Once she had put away the first aid kid and dimmed her lamp, she helped him get tucked into her covers and joined in next to him. They (by they, she meant JJ) had already settled on her discarding the sleeping bag set next to her bed with the argument that a queen sized bed was too big for one person. It was certainly a strange experience. She knew that it didn’t have to be, and objectively, that it wasn’t, but it was so oddly intimate that it took her a few minutes to get used to his warmth resting steadily next to her. 

Aided by the cold wind seeping into her room from the open balcony door, and the trees rustling outside, her eyes grew heavier. JJ’s quite breathing next to her was unusually comforting as she snuggled into her covers further.

“Hey Kie?” The fact that JJ was actually awake failed to surprise her because she was almost asleep, the tire of the day overcoming her. 

“Mhmm?” She didn’t even open her eyes. Even though she knew she would have a heart attack the next morning recalling the fact that JJ was about three noses away from her, she was too sleepy to care right then. 

“I do trust you.”

That forced her eyes open. She tried to feign composure; Kie could practically count the grey flecks in JJ’s blue eyes with how close he was to her. She felt like it was too quiet for her to even breathe. 

“What?” Her voice was a whisper, that was the only response she could muster to the integrity with which JJ had said it with. 

“I do trust you.” He repeated in a reciprocated whisper, “I’m just not ready to talk about it. Not yet… But when I am, I promise you’ll be the first to know.”

She smiled at that. “I better be.” They both chuckled in content.

“G’night Kie.”

“Good night.”

* * *

Rays of sunshine seeped into Kie’s room as she woke up to her alarm. While her eyes adjusted to the light, Kie’s mind processed the weight of a hand on her waist. Registering the lull of JJ’s heartbeat under her ear, she also grasped that she was no longer asleep on her pillow. For a second, she just returned to keeping her eyes closed and not allowing herself to feel embarrassed, for a second, she purposefully left her inhibition and body resting in JJ’s embrace, enjoying it in a half-asleep and ideal existence. 

But as with all good things, JJ’s yawn snapped her back into reality. It took him a second to process it but it was then really hard to miss the shit-eating grin that was forming on his face. 

“I would love to keep doing this but everything hurts real bad right now and I really need to move.”

“Yup.” 

After getting up from her bed in what Kie was sure was lightning speed, and before she could beat herself up for uttering the dumbest response she could’ve possibly given, Kie’s mom walked into her room. 

“Good y’all are awake!” Kie hoped to God that her mom couldn’t see the hot flush she was feeling in her cheeks as she reached to receive a brown A5 envelope she handed her. “Came in the mail for you, no sender’s name and no return address, all it did was have your name on it. Breakfast is going to be ready in 10 minutes.”

With that she turned to JJ, now sitting upright on Kie’s bed. “How are you feeling JJ?”

“Not bad Mrs. Carrera. Thank you for letting me stay here last night.”

“Of course JJ. I expect you to join us for breakfast.”

JJ looked back to Kie, she let him know that breakfast was non-negotiable. Her mom was never going to let him leave on an empty stomach. 

JJ seemed to get the message. “Yes Ma’am, I’ll be there.”

“Great! Kie lend him one of your hoodies please. Hope you like waffles!”

With that she took her leave. In retrospect, Kie was thankful for her mom walking in, they could now move on as if nothing had happened before she did. 

JJ eyed the envelope curiously, “What is it?”

“I don’t know.” 

She sat next to him and began to examine it. Her mom was right, there was only a printing of her name and address on the front. She opened it and shook the contents of it onto her duvet. JJ picked up the only thing that fell onto her sheet. 

“It’s a postcard from the Bahamas.” 

Before she could respond, JJ flipped the postcard and their breaths hitched. 

_We’re going for the gold baby!_  
_Love, JB &S_  
_(p.s. we promise we’ll keep in touch)_

A symbol of Tanny’s wheat was drawn hastily next to their initials. JJ and Kie seemed to be in sync, reading it over and over and over and over again in perfect silence. They were making sure that they weren’t being deceived, that the letter wasn’t going to disappear the second they took their eyes off it. 

For the first time in months, Kie was belly laughing, giddy with excitement. In a split second, it was as if the universe had aligned itself for them. JJ let out a euphoric ‘fuck yeah!’ with his fists up in the air. 

“They made it to the Yucatán of North America!”

“You’re an idiot JJ, Yucatán is the Yucatán of North America.” She corrected him; they were still giggling like middle school girls. 

They sobered up a bit, JJ was now sitting at the end of her bed, the light from her balcony making his hair a shade of golden. 

“They’re alive Kie.” He was staring at her, still in disbelief. 

She just hugged him in response. Taking in the scent of her strawberry soap on his skin and the sea-salt in his hair, Kie tried to cement the satisfaction she felt into her brain. He hugged her back readily, hands around her waist, taking it all in with her. 

“They’re alive.” She repeated, her head resting in the crook of his neck, arms slung on his shoulders. 

When Pope shows up to her house with an identical envelope in hand not even an hour later, they hug and cry in the comfort of her bedroom. Their best friends were alive. _God, they were fucking alive!_ For the rest of the day, the three of them sit there watching the sun shine above them readily, knowing that John B and Sarah are with them, under that same sun, less than a thousand miles away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> u all get bonus points if u guys know the song kie was listening to - if u dont please please listen to river by leon bridges it is my most fav ultimate tune of all time gn
> 
> i tried to proofread as much as i could but if i missed anything pls message me on tumblr and i'll fix it asap. also just come and cry/fangirl w me on there generally hehe 
> 
> thank u sm for reading, i hope to see u in the next one!! pls lmk how u liked the chap, i love hearing all ur thoughts!! 
> 
> stay safe and take care lads, sayonara till the next one :))


	4. philia ii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhhh! hello my dudes
> 
> i have been feeling rlly rough these past few weeks and i couldn't rlly bring myself to write anything. BUT, i come to you with another chap of this fic bc the support i've gotten on this fic has absolutely escaped me
> 
> seriously. this is crazy.
> 
> im sorry it took so long. i promise to try to do better. 
> 
> and also, thank u for reading. thank u thank u thank u!

If Kie was being optimistic, the last two and a half years had been kind to the Pogues. They were all alive, Rafe Cameron was in jail, and all five of them had successfully graduated high school. Once JB and Sarah returned to the Cut on one of the coldest days of the Outer Banks winter in their junior year, they all eventually adapted to being together again. Soon enough, they returned to pioneering their well-intentioned mischief. 

But that was if Kie was being optimistic. If she were being honest, the story would be a lot longer… and a hell of a lot more frustrating. At the end of the day, they were the lowest on the food chain, and as far as Kie could recall, no universe was kind to those lowest on the food-chain. So yes, they were all alive, but it took months of grovelling, begging, convincing and threatening for them to clear John B’s name. And yes, Rafe was in jail, but there were countless nights where Sarah cried on Kie’s shoulders unable to handle the weight of having to testify against her own brother. And yes, they rediscovered how to be the Pogues again, but fuck it if she couldn’t count the days and weeks of arguments wedged in plan B’s and plan C’s. 

So really no, the universe had actually fucked them. What really happened was that they struggled for the gold, got it, and then lost all of it. Bitterly, Kie came to realise that the saying ‘the journey is what counted’ was absolute bullshit. They deserved what was rightfully theirs. They had discovered the gold and they had fought for it. But with all the government red-tape, Ward Cameron’s word against theirs and a handful of criminal convictions on their side, 400 million dollars just slipped right through their fingers. And boy, did it fucking suck. 

Kie remembered how rough the rest of junior year was after all of it fell through - a permanently teary-eyed Sarah bunkered herself inside Kie’s room, both her dad and brother being criminals finally forcing its way into her reality. JJ went MIA for days at a time, John B isolated himself to the chateau, and Pope started picking up so many extra shifts with his dad he could basically pay for an entire semester of college by the end of the school year. Kie couldn’t really recall how or what she felt when it all went down. All she remembered was being really angry afterwards, and then she felt so much at once she just became really fucking numb. So yeah, everyone had a shitload of emotions they worked through… or y’know, repressed.

But at the end of it all, it had been two and a half years. And if she had learnt anything, it was that time had a funny way of healing things. The first few weeks after Ward’s acquittal, she felt like her chest was going to explode. But as time went on and the summer came - as the five of them started surfing and hanging out at Rixon’s Cove again, drinking cold beer at the chateau, and then eventually scheming ways to get JJ out of summer school an hour or two early once or twice a week, the fury in her chest turned to a dull ache. Ultimately, senior year came around and each occasion lightened the weight on her chest more and more - first college acceptances, then prom, and finally graduation. And one day, Kie woke up having moved on from that part of her life; it had turned into another remnant of her memory - an adventure with the Pogues she’d gone on and worked through. 

By the end of their last summer, John B and Sarah had moved away to the West Coast to help an elderly couple run a surf shack while signing up to as many online college classes as they could afford. As for the rest of them, JJ decided to continue working his summer job at an auto-repair shop to make ends meet, and Kie and Pope started college as freshmen. Pope had secured a state scholarship to study Natural Sciences at the University of Florida and Kie had gotten into the Marine Sciences program at UNC. They promised each other that they would try to come back home at least once every year - either in the Christmas breaks or for a few weeks in the coming summers, whatever they could manage.

Kie wasn’t going to lie, Sarah and John B moving to the other side of the country stung. Don’t get her wrong, she understood why they wanted to get away but JJ, Kie and Pope, even though they didn’t talk about it, felt really small when JB and Sarah announced their executive decision to leave them a fortnight before they did. As things went in their group, they swallowed all of their feelings and the three of them became the bigger people. Instead of questioning it, they made peace and savoured (almost desperately) the final days of OBX sunsets and sunrises they shared day after day with them all together, tangible and close. Because although none of them were willing to accept it, they knew they had no idea when they were certainly all going to be together the way they were again. They knew that life had a way of coming in between everything.

* * *

When Kie got to college, she had no idea how she really felt about it. Only as the weeks went on and she settled into her apartment, attended her classes on campus, and started to roam the streets of Chapel Hill did she realise how much she really loved it. For Kie, college was a breath of fresh air. There was normalcy, independence and self-driven structure she hadn’t even known she craved until she found herself excited about her education for the first time in her life. As the semester carried on, she realised how much she was getting to know about herself outside of her comfort zone. She loved the Pogues and her family with all her heart, but being on her own was oddly liberating. She found herself understanding herself better - how much she loved to read, how much she loved to sing, how much she loved feeling sun-kissed wearing a summer dress in spring. And mostly, she loved how good it felt to have a direction in her life, something she was heading toward. 

And on top of all of that, Kie loved the freedom college had given her to explore her sexuality. Her first semester was littered with responsibly (and not so responsibly) handled one-night stands and hook-ups. She loved being able to do what she wanted with her love life without the pressure of her friends or family prying. After losing her virginity with a vodka-addled brain to a no-name, blonde-haired, green-eyed Touron, she had put enjoying sex casually on pause. But college, she found, was quick to change that for her.

Kie had to admit the homesickness was bad though. She missed sitting at the chateau with her friends, eating home-made BBQ and burgers while they laughed at nothing. She missed her mom making her waffles in the morning and working shifts at the restaurant with her dad. The nostalgia hit her sooner than she had expected. She found herself on her phone for hours more than she’d like to admit, observing one photo after the next on her gallery, wishing a time-machine to go back for warm hugs from JB and Pope, stealing wine with Sarah from her parent’s liquor cabinet, and banter with JJ that made her belly-laugh. Of course they talked as often as they could, but it was hard to have all five of them on a call at once and really, it just wasn’t the same.

And when John B and Sarah couldn’t afford to come home for winter break, JJ, Pope and Kie tried not to be disappointed in them. They met up, surfed and did anything but reminisce on the old times, ignoring the gaping hole they felt; like life had already gotten in the way. So it wasn’t hard to imagine that leaving for the second semester seemed to be so much harder than doing so for the first - that hugging JJ and Pope before she left was more sad than it was comforting. They were growing apart and none of them knew how to cope with it.

So now, as she packed her bag to go back home for Easter break, she couldn’t help but dread the goodbyes that were coming. Maybe it helped that she would only only have to spare one goodbye for JJ. With revision, finals, and Pope’s new (and unfamiliar) girlfriend, an apologetic voicemail informed Kie that she wouldn’t be seeing him till the summer. But really, she’d always felt the worst saying goodbye to JJ, so maybe Kie was just feeling the same amount of dread. A part of her couldn’t help but feel like the rest of the Pogues had abandoned JJ to their home town. Even though he had a job and was evolving into (to Kie’s pleasant surprise) a responsible adult, it felt like he didn’t have somewhere he was heading to. JJ lived alone at the chateau, had no one his age to physically talk to (except for JJ’s usual morning after's) and just waited around for them to return home during their breaks. The idea that he was picking on scraps instead of thinking about something he wanted for himself made Kie restless in a way she didn’t understand.

Every time she called him, he wasted no time in being the JJ she’d always known - quick-witted, stupid, and ridiculously good at lifting her spirits. It was just the seconds here and there when his eyes lost their youthful glint that worried her - tiredness readily creeping into his face and making him look a lot older than he was. 

As she got into her car and braced herself for the three hour drive ahead of her, she couldn’t really help but be a little excited to see JJ despite everything. Given his circumstances, he was making the most of what he had, and she didn’t really know how far he’d come until he called her few weeks ago and told her about the promotion he’d got to also clerk the repair shop.

“JJ that’s amazing.” She had said with a laugh.

“Thanks Kie!” He was beaming, “It’s not a huge raise, but it’s definitely gonna be easier to afford the bills now. I’d been pulling double shifts at least twice a week to keep the lights on here and at the house.”

“What?” Kie was confused.

His smile faltered a bit. “C’mon Kie, my dad has been drunk or high for the better part of the last decade.” He laughed emptily, his pause helped Kie process what she was hearing. “There’d been a few weeks where we didn’t have running water over the years… but hey, I always had you guys. And y’know it hasn’t been all bad; I can practically charge water usage to the cent.”

Kie was stunned. She couldn’t help but feel stupid for not putting it together so soon, of course he was the one paying the bills. “What the fuck JJ? How come you-”

“I managed Kie.” He said pointedly, “I’m managing now.”

Even though Kie knew he was done talking about it, she had realised over the years that with JJ, she always had the tendency to push just a little more than she should, “You don’t need to provide for him JJ, you’re the kid. You’ve always been the kid.”

The way he had swiftly changed the subject at that echoed in her mind as she drove. It always stunned her how polarising JJ could be. If this were anybody but him, she would probably have an easier time letting things go and allowing JJ to deal with everything alone - the way he’s always wanted it to be. But to her disappointment, Kie’s chest was aways heavy when it occurred how fucking hard JJ’s life had been; how hard it was. It willed her into doing and saying stupid shit to and because of him. She didn’t fucking understand it sometimes. 

As the hours went by and she started to recognise the neighbourhoods she was in, a strange feeling of comfort settled into her. Despite everything, she realised, it felt good to be home.

* * *

“I want you to come with me!” Kie repeated for the thousandth time following JJ out from the chateau. She was doing her best to social distance but she was also trying to make a point.

“Kie, we’ve been over this, that’s fucking crazy.”

JJ and Kie had been having the same argument for almost four days. A day after she’d come home, the government had imposed quarantine and curfew in North Carolina. The only reason her parents were even letting her go back was because she needed to borrow some books for the assignments that were still due for term before the library shut down. That same night, she had texted JJ and asked him to come back with her to Chapel Hill. She didn’t really know what came over her, but the the thought of JJ being alone in the chateau for an undefined amount of time bothered her to the point of asking him.

“JJ come on. There’s a whole room I’m not using and you don’t even have to pay rent!”

JJ let out a tired sigh. “Fuck- Kie! I can’t.”

Kie knew this was a dumb ego thing. It had to be. The auto-repair shop had been closed down till further notice and he didn’t have anything anchoring him to stay. She just didn’t get it. 

“God JJ there is a fucking pandemic and you wanna be the big mojo man right now? Seriously? I’ve told you that you-”

“Oh my god, fuck, Kie!” Kie struggled to hold in a smile, she knew his resolve was shaking, “Get a grip! No this isn’t an ego thing. I just don’t wanna-”

“Don’t wanna what?” She pushed, “Live with your best friend? Drink free cold beer? Eat home-made food? Have air conditioning for once in your life?”

“No Kie! Fuck-” Okay maybe he wasn’t going to budge, “I don’t wanna come with you because I can’t fucking be alone with you again!” It was out before he could stop himself. 

_Fuck._ Kie had finally annoyed him into letting up the actual reason he didn’t wanna live with her. She realised that JJ had been biting his tongue for the last four days. He drew a few shaky breaths, “Kie I-”

“J we promised ourselves we wouldn’t talk about that again.” Her voice was quieter now, it had fallen from its high chair. 

“We didn’t promise ourselves shit Kie. Fuck, we didn’t fucking say anything about it. Not a single word. We woke up and we moved on as if nothing had happened!” Kie didn’t know which was more surprising - JJ’s sudden vulnerability or her urge to abruptly change the subject.

“J that’s exactly it, nothing happened! It was one night JJ! It was prom and we were drunk; I was heart-broken and you were lonely and it was too dumb for it to mean anything.”

JJ’s eyes were on Kie but she couldn’t look at him. She knew that if she looked, she would be taken back to the one night she actively chooses not to think about, forced to acknowledge that this break was the first time in a year they’d spent time alone together. She just wasn’t ready for everything that came with dealing with it all. So she settled on staring at her feet and noting the way the gravel settled around her shoes.

“Kie I can’t-”

Kie didn’t wait for him to finish. “I’m leaving for Chapel Hill at noon tomorrow and I want you to come with me. I know that you can take care of yourself and you think you know better.” Getting the rest of her words out made her feel almost uneasy, “I miss my best friend, and I’m just saying that you don’t have to do it all alone because of one evening over a year ago. You know where my house is.”

As she walked to her car and drove away, she tried finding comfort in the fact that she didn’t have to say goodbye.

* * *

Kie was losing resolve to keep waiting any longer. She had packed all of her stuff into her car, set her ice coffee comfortably in her reach and had nothing else left to do other than leave. Her watch read ten past twelve and she stupidly thought he would show. If she were being honest with herself, she kind of wanted to cry. And seriously, she knew how dumb that was. She knew that it was absolutely pathetic that she couldn’t stand the thought of leaving JJ behind - to where he was safe and comfortable, but that weirdly didn’t want to make her not cry any less.

_Fuck, just get it together Kie. You’re being so dumb right now._

She took sometime to gather herself and rid some of the disappointment she was feeling as she waved goodbye to her parents. Kie had to get back to Chapel Hill, she had so much work to do and not nearly enough time. Now, with the added world-ending existential doomsday mood, she just really wanted to get back to the comfort of her lavender incense and favourite duvet. 

As she pulled out of her driveway, she heard a loud thump behind her. _Shit._ This was the second time she’d hit her mom’s petunias. When she parked her car and got out, she realised that she hadn’t hit the petunias at all.

“Shit JJ! What the fuck?” Kie had literally knocked JJ to the ground with her car.

“Damn Carrera I knew you were a shit driver but this? This is just dangerous.” A smirk played on his lips.

She was trying to hold in a laugh. The excitement that swelled in her chest forgave that comment of his. 

“I said noon J. You’re lucky I was driving as slow as I was.”

“Ah relax, I got snacks for the road!” He said holding up a grocery bag, “I knew you’d be here, you have a really bad sense of time and I-”

She slapped him across his arm, he was still late and two insults were one too many. “OW!”

“Shut up asshole. I’m a great driver! And I also happen to have an immaculate sense of time.”

“Immaculate?” He asked as she helped him up.

“Fucking immaculate.” She said with a smile she could barely contain. “Get in loser. I hope you bought gummies.”

JJ’s laugh filled the car, he knew her too well. “Three packs of Haribo sour peaches only for you ma’am.”

 _Fuck yes!_

This was going to be so much fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things are gonna get so fun from now
> 
> also, leave ur guesses as to what u think happened w jiara prom night haha
> 
> thank u for reading bros, see u in the next one!!

**Author's Note:**

> i'm @theouterbankpogues on tumblr, come and fangirl w me anytime  
> this cast, show and ship is just the softest gn. 
> 
> i'm really excited to commit to a plot, some constructive writing and a whole story from my brain that i hopefully and sufficiently can put into words. see u in the next one xx


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